Dear mom

Dear mom,

It is with great sorrow and regret that I am writing this letter to you. You know I’ve always followed your wishes, grew up as a women whom people can respect me, love me and look up to me. Remember that one time when I asked you what I should be when I grow up? Well, I think I’ve found that answer now. I want to be a wonderful wife. I had decided to leave with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and dad. I’ve been finding real passion and love with Simon and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle/hippie clothes. But it’s not only the passion mom. I’m pregnant and Simon said that he will take care of me and we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many, many more children with me and that’s now one of my dreams too. Simon taught me that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us in our backyard and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ice we want. In meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS/STDs so Simon can get better, because mom, he really deserves it. He is a great guy. You’ll love him when you meet him someday. Don’t worry my sweet mother. I’m old enough now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll come back as a happy family to visit you and dad so you can get to know your grandchildren. 

Your precious daughter, M.J.J

Dear sweet mother, non of the above is true....I’m over at my neighbor’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my ridiculously low report card grade that’s in top of your desk. I love you! Please call me when it is safe for me to come home.